John

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This article is about dishonorable Smash excuses. For the smasher, see John Padilla.


A John is an excuse for losing, missing a recovery, being hit by an attack, or any number of unfavorable events in Smash.

A statement or action that detracts from the validity or quality of a competition (or its implied significance), irrespective of truth.


Sportsmanship johns

  • I suck
  • You're much better than me
  • I should quit
  • I'm going to lose
  • You're too good

Self johns

  • I was the wrong color
  • I wasn't trying
  • I let you win
  • My fingers hurt
  • My hands are sweaty / greasy
  • My eyes hurt
  • I don't have my glasses
  • I'm tired
  • I've been drinking / smokin' the reefer
  • I'm hungry
  • I'm out of practice
  • I don't care
  • I don't own this game
  • I have a life
  • I'll win next time
  • I kept killing myself
  • I would win if I didn't SD so much
  • I'll whoop your ass at another game
  • I just started learning how to play
  • I'm just playing for fun
  • I don't money match
  • I need my name tag on
  • I hate this controller slot
  • I need music while I play
  • I was just sandbagging
  • I know I'm better than you

Foe johns

  • You suck
  • You need high-tier characters win
  • You have to counter-pick me to win
  • You play this game way too much
  • You play cheap
  • You hack / cheat / glitch
  • You're already warmed up
  • You play with better people
  • You take this too seriously

Insult johns

  • [expletive] you, you [expletive]
  • Your mother
  • My penis > yours
  • at least I have a girlfriend

Demographic johns

  • Can you stay out this late on a school night, kid?
  • Aren't you a little too old to play games?
  • Wow you're asian what chance did I have..
  • Black people are inherently good at this game!
  • Spanish FTW apparently..
  • Wow I got beat by a girl.

Hardware johns

  • The television is laggy
  • My controller is malfunctioning
  • I just got this controller
  • This isn't my controller
  • My controller is really old
  • I'm not used to this version of smash
  • It's not my gamecube / memory card

Gameplay johns

  • I hate this starting position
  • The level gayed me
  • The game glitched
  • The camera sucks on this level
  • Pause messed me up
  • Vibration is throwing me off
  • WTF just happened
  • How did you hit me?
  • How did I miss you?
  • Pitch a tent, camper
  • Spam some more
  • You only have one move
  • There's nothing I can do!
  • Stop running from me
  • Chainthrowing is gay
  • That's so broken
  • Wow that took no skill
  • You're so predictable!
  • I wish my character would do what I wanted
  • Whatever this isn't my main
  • Items are retarded
  • C-stick is cheap
  • How did I miss the ledge?
  • Where was my midair?!
  • That was supposed to be a (move).
  • ****it I saw that coming
  • I so teched that
  • This game is so stupid
  • * L R A Start *
  • * hits controller, ganks plug *

Level johns

  • Randall The Cloud denied me
  • Randall The Cloud saved you
  • Claptrap wrecked me
  • The barrel sucks
  • Moving levels are stupid
  • Wind screwed up my recovery
  • ... Poké Floats?!
  • I can't see the sun is in my eyes. In reference to the sun on DK64 by the infamous HoChiMinhTrail.

Anomaly johns

  • Phantom hit..
  • Get luckier with misfire / judgement hammer / turnip pull plz
  • Woah, random spike / invisible ceiling glitch
  • I fell through the level..

Environment johns

  • Temperature is uncomfortable
  • Lighting is poor
  • Smell / noise is distracting
  • TV is too small
  • Poor angle of the TV
  • This seat sucks
  • Volume is too low

Tournament johns

  • If I had gone I would've won
  • Pools / brackets are rigged
  • Seeding sucked
  • Facility is small / crappy
  • Not enough TVs
  • Poor venue
  • House take is too much
  • Pot is too small
  • Entry fee is too small
  • Entry fee is too large
  • Too far away
  • Home region advantage :'(
  • Taking too long
  • I play worse at tournaments
  • I was too nervous
  • I got pulled over for having TVs in the back of my car..

Tournament Organizer johns

  • We're having a door fee in addition to our take of the pot
  • We expected more people
  • Not enough cubes/tvs
  • People are slowing us down
  • The AC isn't working
  • No outside food
  • Stop yelling
  • Bawls? Cost $2.00

Team johns

  • My partner sucked
  • Too chaotic
  • They targeted me
  • Partner jacked my stock
  • Friendly fire blows
  • Wow this level lags

FFA johns

  • I lost track of where I was
  • Omg team some more noobies
  • I can't edge guard!
  • I'm sorry I lost because I actually had balls and fought

Crew johns

  • You guys got lucky with the lineup
  • Too bad we rape you guys in everything else
  • We were missing some people

Forum johns

  • You're lucky you live far from me
  • I would wreck you IRL
  • You post like a 2 year old
  • You aren't funny
  • Learn some grammar
  • You don't know what you're talking about
  • I have more posts than you
  • I have more rep than you
  • My sign-up date is older
  • Use the search bar
  • TLDR

Meta johns

  • No johns