John

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This article is about dishonorable Smash excuses. For the smasher, see John Padilla.

A John is an excuse for losing, missing a recovery, being hit by an attack, or any number of unfavorable events in Smash.

A statement or action that detracts from the validity or quality of a competition (or its implied significance), irrespective of truth.

Sportsmanship johns

• I suck
• You're much better than me
• I should quit
• I'm going to lose
• You're too good

Self johns

• I was the wrong color
• I wasn't trying
• I let you win
• My fingers hurt
• My hands are sweaty / greasy
• My eyes hurt
• I don't have my glasses
• I'm tired
• I've been drinking / smokin' the reefer
• I'm hungry
• I'm out of practice
• I don't care
• I don't own this game
• I have a life
• I'll win next time
• I kept killing myself
• I would win if I didn't SD so much
• I'll whoop your ass at another game
• I just started learning how to play
• I'm just playing for fun
• I don't money match
• I need my name tag on
• I hate this controller slot
• I need music while I play
• I was just sandbagging
• I know I'm better than you

Foe johns

• You suck
• You need high-tier characters win
• You have to counter-pick me to win
• You play this game way too much
• You play cheap
• You hack / cheat / glitch
• You're already warmed up
• You play with better people
• You take this too seriously

Insult johns

• [expletive] you, you [expletive]
• Your mother
• My penis > yours
• at least I have a girlfriend

Demographic johns

• Can you stay out this late on a school night, kid?
• Aren't you a little too old to play games?
• Wow you're asian what chance did I have..
• Black people are inherently good at this game!
• Spanish FTW apparently..
• Wow I got beat by a girl.

Hardware johns

• The television is laggy
• My controller is malfunctioning
• I just got this controller
• This isn't my controller
• My controller is really old
• I'm not used to this version of smash
• It's not my gamecube / memory card
• Wiimote/Nunchuk isn't as good as Gamecube controller

Gameplay johns

• I hate this starting position
• The level gayed me
• The game glitched
• The camera sucks on this level
• Pause messed me up
• Vibration is throwing me off
• WTF just happened
• How did you hit me?
• How did I miss you?
• Pitch a tent, camper
• Spam some more
• You only have one move
• There's nothing I can do!
• Stop running from me
• Chainthrowing is gay
• That's so broken
• Wow that took no skill
• You're so predictable!
• I wish my character would do what I wanted
• Whatever this isn't my main
• Items are retarded
• C-stick is cheap
• How did I miss the ledge?
• Where was my midair?!
• That was supposed to be a (move).
• ****it I saw that coming
• I so teched that
• This game is so stupid
• * L R A Start *
• * hits controller, ganks plug *

Level johns

• Randall The Cloud denied me
• Randall The Cloud saved you
• Claptrap wrecked me
• The barrel sucks
• Moving levels are stupid
• Wind screwed up my recovery
• ... Poké Floats?!
• I can't see the sun is in my eyes. In reference to the sun on DK64 by the infamous HoChiMinhTrail.

Anomaly johns

• Phantom hit..
• Get luckier with misfire / judgement hammer / turnip pull plz
• Woah, random spike / invisible ceiling glitch
• I fell through the level..

Environment johns

• Temperature is uncomfortable
• Lighting is poor
• Smell / noise is distracting
• TV is too small
• Poor angle of the TV
• This seat sucks
• Volume is too low

Tournament johns

• If I had gone I would've won
• Pools / brackets are rigged
• Seeding sucked
• Facility is small / crappy
• Not enough TVs
• Poor venue
• House take is too much
• Pot is too small
• Entry fee is too small
• Entry fee is too large
• Too far away
• Home region advantage :'(
• Taking too long
• I play worse at tournaments
• I was too nervous
• I got pulled over for having TVs in the back of my car..

Tournament Organizer johns

• We're having a door fee in addition to our take of the pot
• We expected more people
• Not enough cubes/tvs
• People are slowing us down
• The AC isn't working
• No outside food
• Stop yelling
• Bawls? Cost $2.00

Team johns

• My partner sucked
• Too chaotic
• They targeted me
• Partner jacked my stock
• Friendly fire blows
• Wow this level lags

FFA johns

• I lost track of where I was
• Omg team some more noobies
• I can't edge guard!
• I'm sorry I lost because I actually had balls and fought

Crew johns

• You guys got lucky with the lineup
• Too bad we rape you guys in everything else
• We were missing some people

Forum johns

• You're lucky you live far from me
• I would wreck you IRL
• You post like a 2 year old
• You aren't funny
• Learn some grammar
• You don't know what you're talking about
• I have more posts than you
• I have more rep than you
• My sign-up date is older
• Use the search bar
• TLDR

Meta johns

• No johns