John

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This article is about dishonorable Smash excuses. For the smasher, see John Padilla.

A John is an excuse for losing, missing a recovery, being hit by an attack, or any number of unfavorable events in Smash.

Johns, n.

A statement or action that detracts from the validity or quality of a competition (or its implied significance), irrespective of truth.

Sportsmanship johns • I suck • You're much better than me • I should quit • I'm going to lose • You're too good

Self johns • I wasn't trying • I let you win • My fingers hurt • My hands are sweaty / greasy • My eyes hurt • I don't have my glasses • I'm tired • I've been drinking / smokin' the reefer • I'm hungry • I'm out of practice • I don't care • I don't own this game • I have a life • I'll win next time • I kept killing myself • I would win if I didn't SD so much • I'll whoop your ass at another game • I just started learning how to play • I'm just playing for fun • I don't money match • I need my name tag on • I was the wrong color • I hate this controller slot • I need music while I play • I was just sandbagging • I know I'm better than you

Foe johns • You suck • You need high-tier characters win • You have to counter-pick me to win • You play this game way too much • You play cheap • You hack / cheat / glitch • You're already warmed up • You play with better people • You take this too seriously

Insult johns • [expletive] you, you [expletive] • Your mother • My penis > yours • at least I have a girlfriend

Demographic johns • Can you stay out this late on a school night, kid? • Aren't you a little too old to play games? • Wow you're asian what chance did I have.. • Black people are inherently good at this game! • Spanish FTW apparently.. • Wow I got beat by a girl.

Hardware johns • The television is laggy • My controller is malfunctioning • I just got this controller • This isn't my controller • My controller is really old • I'm not used to this version of smash • It's not my gamecube / memory card

Gameplay johns • I hate this starting position • The level gayed me • The game glitched • The camera sucks on this level • Pause messed me up • Vibration is throwing me off • WTF just happened • How did you hit me? • How did I miss you? • Pitch a tent, camper • Spam some more • You only have one move • There's nothing I can do! • Stop running from me • Chainthrowing is gay • That's so broken • Wow that took no skill • You're so predictable! • I wish my character would do what I wanted • Whatever this isn't my main • Items are retarded • C-stick is cheap • How did I miss the ledge? • Where was my midair?! • ****it I saw that coming • I so teched that • This game is so stupid • * L R A Start * • * hits controller, ganks plug *

Level johns • Cloud denied me • Cloud saved you • Claptrap wrecked me • The barrel sucks • Moving levels are stupid • Wind screwed up my recovery • ... Poké Floats?!

Anomaly johns • Phantom hit.. • Get luckier with misfire / judgement hammer / turnip pull plz • Woah, random spike / invisible ceiling glitch • I fell through the level..

Environment johns • Temperature is uncomfortable • Lighting is poor • Smell / noise is distracting • TV is too small • Poor angle of the TV • This seat sucks • Volume is too low

Tournament johns • If I had gone I would've won • Pools / brackets are rigged • Seeding sucked • Facility is small / crappy • Not enough TVs • Poor venue • House take is too much • Pot is too small • Entry fee is too small • Entry fee is too large • Too far away • Home region advantage :'( • Taking too long • I play worse at tournaments • I was too nervous • I got pulled over for having TVs in the back of my car..

Tournament Organizer johns • We're having a door fee in addition to our take of the pot • We expected more people • Not enough cubes/tvs • People are slowing us down • The AC isn't working • No outside food • Stop yelling • Bawls? Cost $2.00

Team johns • My partner sucked • Too chaotic • They targeted me • Partner jacked my stock • Friendly fire blows • Wow this level lags

FFA johns • I lost track of where I was • Omg team some more noobies • I can't edge guard! • I'm sorry I lost because I actually had balls and fought

Crew johns • You guys got lucky with the lineup • Too bad we rape you guys in everything else • We were missing some people

Forum johns • You're lucky you live far from me • I would wreck you IRL • You post like a 2 year old • You aren't funny • Learn some grammar • You don't know what you're talking about • I have more posts than you • I have more rep than you • My sign-up date is older • Use the search bar • TLDR

Meta johns • No johns